My Breastfeeding journey

This is a bit of a personal post for me… and I’m actually still a little emotional about it all. But a few days before James celebrated his six month birthday, our breastfeeding journey came to an end. Let me share my story…

Firstly some context. My daughter (who will soon be four) was super relaxed with any type of feeding; we did mixed feeding for about five months. To be honest I can’t remember the exact dates because it was so much of a non-issue! Breast/ bottle/ formula… she took anything, anytime. I chose when to stop when I returned to work, I know many people successfully breastfeeding after going back to work but that wasn’t for me.

James could not have been more different. He absolutely refused to take a bottle for the first couple of months. I know I could have tried harder, but it was so disheartening to spend time expressing (especially as it took me time away from properly playing with my daughter), only for us to have to pour it away when he refused to take it.

But breastfeeding isn’t easy, right? Apart from the tiredness of always being ‘on duty’, I had so much pain that I had never experienced with a Jess. It seemed to come and go in phases, but aaagggghhhh when it was bad, those first few sucks after latching on were soooo painful! And every so often when I looked down and saw blood on his mouth- it was actually pretty traumatic!!!

There were positives though, I think I was much more relaxed breastfeeding in public with James (and was really proud when someone gave me a ‘Yes Mumma’ card- if you haven’t heard of them go look it up). Maybe because I had already got the knack of being discreet with baby one I was much more confident!

Eventually, with the appeal of a break getting bigger and bigger we persevered with formula. Every night for about two weeks we tried, and eventually he started taking the bottle, woooohoooooo! I headed straight to bed for an actual nap and left my husband to it!!

After that we started giving him a bottle or two of formula every day. Those of you who followed me on social media when a James was first born may remember his screaming. Constant screaming. Well, once he started taking bottles he calmed right down! He actually seemed satisfied! It was like having a different baby.

So I was quite happy mixed feeding, and had thought that like my daughter I would be able to continue this until I decided to finish it. But James had different ideas. Whilst he was quite happy breastfeeding through the night and in the mornings, he would cry and arch his back through the day time. So we settled into a sort of routine… and I was pretty happy breastfeeding at night, it was so much easier at 2am when you get up without having to make up a bottle!

But he started refusing breastfeeding more and more. In November, we went on holiday. On the plane, I had planned on breastfeeding him during take off. He refused, and that pretty much set the tone for the holiday. I think he was going through a growth spurt or something because every night he was waking up every hour and screaming, but would not take anything other than formula. And so that was that. I returned from holiday having not breastfed for a week, and had completely dried up. Just like that my breastfeeding journey was over.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Yes, once he started taking bottles it probably would have been a good time to try expressing again. Yes, I could have tried breastfeeding again once we returned back from holiday, and probably still could. But to be honest it’s quite upsetting seeing your baby screaming when you try to feed him and I don’t really want to have to see it again!

I think my friend unwittingly hit the nail on the head when trying to think why I was so upset about it all; I hadn’t realised that the last time I fed him would be my last time. With Jess I made the decision myself, I was able to enjoy those last cuddles and treasure them. James took that away from me, and I can’t remember the last time. I don’t remember the last post-feed cuddles, the sleepy milk-drunk yawn and snuggle. My last feed was probably a 3am grump, where I was willing him to hurry up so I could get back to sleep. I probably didn’t take the runtime to enjoy it.

I really didn’t think I’d be emotional about finishing. To be honest I thought I was ready, and the upset was really unexpected!

So we got to nearly 6 months. Cut shorter than I wanted, but longer than Jess so I should be happy. Let me finish by saying, breastfeeding was my choice. It’s not for everyone and not possible for everyone. So let’s make sure any comments on this, as well as discussions about feeding in general are positive. After all, FED IS BEST.

Rachel x

I’ve finally realised I’m pregnant

This probably sounds a ridiculous thing to say. I’m 23 weeks with a massive bump. Three weeks of my earlier pregnancy were spent pretty much living in bathrooms making close acquaintances with various toilets. But today it hit me.

Two reasons for this;

1. A throw away comment from a friend we haven’t seen in a while. “Are you all set for the baby then?” Errr no. By 23 weeks with our first one we’d probably trawled every baby event going- and had stocked up on supplies to last us the first six months. This time we have done nothing. Partly because there’s a lot of hand me downs, and partly because of lack of time with a toddler…. but mainly because it hasn’t sunk in that in less than 4 months I’ll have another child.

2. We walked along the canal (so pretty flat) to the pub for lunch and back again. Less than 5 miles there and back, but ever since I’ve been recovering on the sofa with a hot water bottle on my lower back. I am in AGONY. What’s this about?! I’m a walker!!

I’ve not been setting out on long walks over the last couple of weeks, but actually the smaller walks are perhaps a bit too much too. I hate to admit this. I hate it even more because next weekend we’ve booked a cottage in the Dales to do some walks that I’m not sure we’ll be able to do now. We had worried that my husband might find it too hard to go too far with a nearly-three year old on his back… but actually it’s me that’s going to restrict the distances. But the way I feel tonight it’s not worth it. And I think I’ve got to do a better job at looking after me. So until this baby makes an appearance I’m saying bye to the long walks and hills (sob). But I can’t wait to get back to it- and will enjoy those summer walks even more!!

Xx

Is it my party yet?

At work I’m a planner. I’m a doer. I look ahead at deadlines and make sure everything is in place to get things out. So why, for the second year in a row, am I so crap at organising my daughter’s birthday party?

I think the problem stems from it being early Feb. That makes it an after Christmas job. You’d think, with all the self-claimed ‘slummy mummies’ around, that others would share my thought process- and I’d be able to sweep in early New Year and take my pick of all those places who are clambering for my business. Well you’d be wrong. I was wrong. Last year I was wrong and this year I was wrong.

Last year was our first stab at toddler party organising. First off, after realising we should get our act together, we sent messages to our family and friends with kids to save the date. Family were keen, friends with kids already mostly booked up. Second job, decide on what kind of party. Hire a church hall, hire soft play. Job done. Soft play booked online in two minutes, feeling very proud, I set delivery to our little church hall, just needed to ring during church office hours, I’d do that at work in the morning. Ha. That was a hard lesson to learn- four days later and after speaking to half of Leeds only then did we actually find a local hall that didn’t advertise on the internet (and we could only talk to between 5pm and 6pm in an evening so no wonder they were free). And so 7 children (including Jess) and 107 adults piled in to enjoy two hours of screaming. We weren’t rehearsed in children’s parties- didn’t understand the time splits needed for play/food/games, but overall Jess seemed to have fun and was totally knackered so success all round.

This year I was determined to do better. Failed at the first hurdle (leaving it until after Christmas) but eventually found a soft play who organises everything and we were booked in by early Jan. This year Jess has nursery friends. Well I guess playmates? Luckily the nursery were happy to provide a list of 15 names to us to invite. Got the invitations out the next day…. and that night waited anxiously for RSVPs to my phone. Nothing. Nor the next night. I was TOTALLY panicking because Jess was asking me every two seconds who was coming and now all I could tell her was Mummy and Daddy. She wasn’t impressed. Finally a response came.. then another and another. We’re now up to 10 nursery friends… it’s a bit awkward isn’t it? The random text you get- ‘Hi, Ben would love to come to the party, thanks for the invite’. First of all who are you? Mum? Dad? A name would be good for when I meet you! Secondly who’s Ben? Every reply I get I’m now scrolling through observations to see if any children are tagged so I can happily greet Ben when you arrive. Thirdly, lets be honest, I doubt you’ve consulted him unless you’ve already decided that you’re coming. Let’s not lie and say anything about Ben’s feelings. If you’re anything like me a soft play party is an option when there is literally nothing else to do. I’m not sure how many parents really look forward to these things. But anyway I’m delighted that we’ve got actual guests- our daughter is a social butterfly wooohooo!

The final error has been telling Jess about said party. A month’s notice is simply too long. She asks everyone we see if they’re coming to her party (including nursery children who didn’t make the 15 cut). She asks every morning if it’s her birthday party. Everything we plan is in terms of whether it’s before or after her party. Handy tip; don’t tell them until absolutely necessary.

Next year I’ll know this. I’ll know to start looking for venues in November and get invites out nice and early. I’ll know how to structure the timeline of party events. I’ll know to pay better attention of who other children are at drop off and pick up so I know who’ll be coming. I’ll know not to expect replies from parents immediately. And I’ll know that I shouldn’t tell my daughter until I know exactly who is coming, and not to tell her until the week before.

Xx

Resolutions; 13 days of failure

As always, this year I made some New Year Resolutions. Most of the time I fail, so this year I dropped the standard lose weight (no point, I’m pregnant), eat healthy (I’ll eat what I like, I’m pregnant) and cut down on wine (already cut, I’m pregnant). Ok, so it was less of a choice and more recognition of reality, but, being forced to consider other options, these are what I came up with.

1. Put some effort into this blog malarkey. Mainly because it’ll help me stick to my maternity leave goals, but also, I recently took an assessment at work that told me I had below average emotional intelligence. The lowest scoring area was emotional reflection; I didn’t take time to consider how I felt at various moments in my day. Massively true, and in the follow up tutorial I came to the conclusion I don’t reflect on much in my life at all- least of all emotions. So, a blog is the perfect way to look back at some of the best/worst/emotionally indifferent moments that I have, to just reflect. So far, this is my fourth post since Christmas, so technically the best performing resolution 👍

2. Cut down on screen time. There is no need to watch TV and play on my phone. A big fat problem with this one is that here I am typing away on my ipad in full realisation this is in massive conflict with the first resolution. So maybe I’ll say cut down on playing Family Zoo/ Solitaire/ Bejewelled and make screen time productive. Stalking people I’ve met once 10 years ago on social media may class as productive if I am able to use it in conversation with my bestie ☺️

3. Walk more. Get into the habit before my maternity leave big walking push. I mean so far I’ve been pretty crap, other than a few small jaunts out I think I’ve got less miles in than before I made my resolutions. Tomorrow I’m committing to a buggy walk. If it’s not raining. And we are in January….

4. Well actually I only had three. But lying here in bed and chatting to hubby about what I’m writing makes me realise that he needs to be a focus too. With another child coming into our lives in a few months I want to make the most of evenings. Have at-home date nights once Jess is in bed. TV will be banned. Even as I’m writing I think this may be a non-starter. We’ll see.

So not a great start but I’ve considered (reflected!) how I’m doing and written down my thoughts. So maybe that’s a sign that there is better to come! Finger crossed!

Rachel xx